Author Blog

My Ideal Vacation

Posted: Mon Aug 11, 2008

I took the month of July off and went camping with my family in southern Indiana. We went with three other families and were still friends at the end of the week. This is the fifth year we've done this, each year has been better than the one before, and this year was ideal. It rained most of the nights, just soft enough to lull us to sleep and break the heat.
My wife took over a hundred pictures, which I look at every night before falling to sleep. All the pictures of me show me sitting in a lawn chair underneath a pine tree reading a book. Everyone else is scurrying around, cooking, cleaning, and being generally industrious. I felt guilty the first day or two for slacking off, but got over it pretty quickly.

How My Family Was Led Astray From the One True Faith

Posted: Fri Jul 18, 2008

We're gearing up for the Gulley family reunion this Sunday. I volunteered our home, then forgot to tell my wife until last week. I like keeping her on her toes. We're anticipating about 30 or so folks, so it won't be too big a crowd. But it'll be hot. Close to 90 degrees, so we'll eat indoors.
The first Gulleys in this country were four Quaker brothers who landed in North Carolina in the early 1700's. The Baptists got hold of them around the 1800's. When I became a Quaker in 1977, I didn't realize my ancestors were Quakers, but now that I know that, I'm going to mention it at our family reunion and tell the rest of my family it's time they got right with the Lord and returned to the One True Faith.

My Perfect Day

Posted: Sun Jul 06, 2008

I am on a mini-sabbatical from Fairfield Meeting the month of July. So I slept in today until 7:30, went for a 150 mile motorcycle ride, then had 25 family members and friends over for a cookout. Joan did all the work for that while I was on my motorcycle ride. She enjoys slaving over a hot stove on humid, sticky summer days.
Cookouts are a fine American tradition and not enough people do them anymore. We had them every Saturday evening in the summer when I was a kid. We'd grill hamburgers, the kids would run foot races in the front yard while the adults watched from the front porch. Then we'd make homemade ice cream. That always ended disastrously. All of my family is lactose intolerant and we only had one bathroom. We'd have to run to the neighbor's house to use their bathroom.
We skipped the ice cream tonight and had rhubarb pie instead. When I'm old and crippled and can't go anywhere, I'll think back on days like this one and be happy.

Our Vacation Plans

Posted: Sun Jun 29, 2008

We're getting ready to take a little vacation, camping in Southern Indiana. I should be packing the truck right now, but it's Sunday and I don't like working on the Sabbath. At least that's what I told my wife. She has no aversion to Sabbath labor, so is busy getting us packed to go.
We won't be roughing it. We're setting up our pop-up camper at the family farm, taking my mother-in-law with us so she can enjoy being back in her farmhouse for the week. We moved her north to our town this past January, so this will be a homecoming trip for her, albeit a brief one.
When we get home, I'll be devoting the rest of the month to writing my next book, If the Church Were Christian. Once that gets published, I'll probably have all the vacation time I want.

My Food Troubles

Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008

My wife is down in the kitchen making something she calls Chicken Georgia. A friend of ours from church told her about it and said it's really good. It has everything in it I don't like--mushrooms, onions, and a variety of other vegetables. My wife assures me I'll like it. How can I like something that is made of ingredients I despise?
I've been married 24 years now, long enough to know what to say when my wife asks me if I like it. I'll say, "Yes, it's delicious."
She'll say, "You're just saying that."
"No, really, I do."
Thus encouraged, she'll make it once a week for the next several months.
Life sure was simpler when I did the cooking and we had Dinty Moore Beef Stew for every meal.

If I Ever Own a Bank

Posted: Wed Jun 11, 2008

I went on my first long motorcycle ride of the season. Headed west, looped around Turkey Run State Park, then stopped by the Roachdale Hardware Store to visit my friend Charley. He wasn't there, so I walked down to the bank and visited with Jim Jackson and Charley's wife, Phyllis Riggle. I've known Phyllis four years, but didn't know she was vice-president of the bank. Whenever I hear of a woman working at a bank, I assume she's a teller. That says something about me, and it's probably not good. If I ever own a bank, I'm going to hire Phyllis to run it. That will free up my days to ride my motorcycle.

Spring Storms

Posted: Wed Jun 04, 2008

The weather has been terrible here in Danville. We got four inches of rain in two hours, the town creek is at its highest level since 1957, according to one local historian (who has been spectacularly wrong about a number of things so take it with a grain of salt), and the swinging bridge in the park will have to repaired if not replaced. The bridge is made of wood and cable and has been there over fifty years. When I was a kid a sign posted on the bridge threatened a fine of $5.00 for riding your bicycle across it. I didn't understand decimal points and thought the fine was five hundred dollars, a staggering sum to me then, and now.
I'm not sure who will fix the bridge. Our park department is headed by Brad Andrews, a nice, smart guy and a whiz at many things. If he's really smart, he'll put someone else in charge of fixing it.

My Perfect Sunday

Posted: Sun May 25, 2008

It's the Sunday before Memorial Day and I have the day off. Ministers don't often get Sundays off. If I'm not at my church, I'm at someone else's. But this morning I slept in late, ate French Toast, went canoeing with my son Sam and the boys next door, Johnny and Nicky. My wife fixed steaks on the grill, then my family came over and we sat on the porch and visited. I had all kinds of plans today, most of them involving physical labor. I didn't get to do any of it, and am not the least bit sorry.

My Busy Weekend

Posted: Sun May 11, 2008

We spent the weekend in Paoli celebrating my mother-in-law's 90th birthday. She never dreamed she'd live this long and spent all day Saturday in her living room, dazed by this turn of events.
I almost didn't make it home in time for her party. I had to travel home from San Antonio, Texas on Friday and the plane was delayed in Memphis because of a malfunction with the brakes. I was glad they discovered the problem while we were still on the ground. When you're traveling 500 MPH and have to stop, that's not the time to discover your brakes don't work.
We were so busy planning my mother-in-law's birthday party, my wife and I forgot to get her a present. Fortunately, everyone else remembered and in the general excitement no one noticed we'd forgotten.

Back to Mowing

Posted: Wed Apr 23, 2008

Last week, I gave our lawn its first clipping of the season. The man who fertilizes our yard came the next day. Now I'm having to mow every third day. In short, I paid him eighty dollars to double my work load.
This is the eighth season for my lawn tractor and I'm sad to report it's working just fine. I keep hoping it will break down so I can get a zero-turning radius mower. There are thirty-one trees, bushes and other objects to steer around in my yard and I'm starting to get forearms like Popeye from muscling around the tractor. There are many things I enjoy about spring, but being on the front end of eight months of lawn mowing is not one of them.

My Life on Water

Posted: Mon Apr 14, 2008

The summer of my twelfth year, my father took my brother David and me canoeing. Within the first mile, we crashed, and my brother was pinned under logs and almost drowned. I would have saved him, except that I was too busy rescuing our lunch. Despite our mishap, it was a good day. I've been canoeing several times since. When I was old enough to marry, my father advised me to take prospective wives canoeing, that if we completed a canoe trip without fighting, the marriage would probably last.
A friend of ours is selling his canoe. Sam and I went to look at it today and think we'll buy it. I doubt we'll use it much, but it'll be fun to look at it and consider the possibility of travel. And if the waters ever rise to our doorstep, we'll have a means of escape. If there aren't any blog additions after this, you'll know I went canoeing and didn't make it.

Our Family Vacation

Posted: Mon Apr 07, 2008

My sons had this past week off from school so we drove 718 miles to Fort Walton Beach in Florida. In the past, our spring break vacations were spent at home, in the cold, cleaning the house. This vacation was a marked improvement. It was sunny and 75ﾰ-80ﾰ most days, except for the day we went deep sea fishing, when it turned bitter cold and windy with ten foot waves. Even the fish were puking.
Most all of our family vacations have been camping trips and now I remember why. Regular vacations are expensive. I spent most of the week on the road back and forth to the ATM machine. Nevertheless, we had an enjoyable time, I'm glad we went, and am glad to be back home so I can rest up for our next vacation.

What a Deal!

Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008

It's been a busy week. I'm doing the rewrites on my latest book, due out early next year. And my Quaker meeting began a capital campaign this week to raise money for a new meetinghouse. Our current meetinghouse was built in 1892 and has seen better years. But I imagine if I were 116 years-old, I'd be falling apart, too. Meetinghouses have risen in cost. It'll cost us 1.6 million dollars to build a new one. At first, I thought that was too much money, until I learned the Pentagon spends that much on a bomb. Now it seems like a real bargain. Feel free to donate to the cause. (Checks payable to Fairfield Friends Meeting Building Fund, 7040 S. County Road 1050 East, Camby, IN 46113)

Spring Teasers

Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008

Spring teased us yesterday with 67ﾰ weather, and sunny skies. Today, it is below freezing with ice predicted. The good thing about bad weather is that I feel no compulsion to do yard work. Every yard in my neighborhood looks bad, mine included, and no one seems inclined to do anything about it. I don't know if my grass will pull out of last summer's drought. If it doesn't, I'm thinking of having my yard paved and painted green.
We heat with wood. We're down to our last half rick, so we'll be out of wood within a week. If I don't cut any more firewood, I'll be able to convince myself winter is over. Without any firewood, we'll likely freeze to death before spring gets here. But we'll die happy knowing spring must be near. It's a bit like the tax rebates George Bush wants to send us. It defies common sense, but makes us feel good.

Hard Times Ahead

Posted: Tue Feb 26, 2008

My wife is leaving this Friday to visit a friend in Pennsylvania, so I'm in charge of the boys for three whole days. I've been trying to figure out how to trick my mother into helping me take care of the kids. Unfortunately, she's 75, a retired school principal, and pretty savvy. She'll see right through me if I call and invite her to come stay with us.
I thought of taking the boys camping for the weekend, but it's going to be 25 degrees. It might be worth freezing to death if I don't have to keep the house clean. I'll have to prepare nine meals no matter what we do. My boys are growing, so I'll have to lay in some extra food. We like Dinty Moore beef stew, so if I buy three dozen cans of it, that ought to get us through until my wife gets home.

If I Can't Be President, Here's My Choice

Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008

My wife and sons had a day off today, it being President's Day. I'm a big fan of George Washington and Abraham Lincoln, but had too much on my plate to take a day off. I hope George and Abe understand. From what I know about them, they were hardworking gentlemen who probably never took much time off themselves.
When I was a kid I dreamed of being a President. It was exciting to think about. Now I'm 47, the course of my adult life has been pretty well set, and it doesn't include the Presidency. I was asked last year to be the President of my neighborhood association, but I declined because I didn't have the time. If I don't have time to be President of my neighborhood, I probably couldn't swing it nationwide.
I read last week that Rush Limbaugh is opposed to all three of the candidates still in the running--Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, and John McCain. He doesn't care for any of them. This, in my mind, makes them all suitable candidates for the job.

Hospitals

Posted: Wed Feb 13, 2008

My father has been in the hospital the past two weeks, so I haven't had time to write my blog. He is now feeling good enough to be grumpy, which is a good sign.
As a pastor, I'm in and out of hospitals all the time. Whoever said "familiarity breeds contempt" must have had hospitals in mind. The more I'm in them, the more I hate them. If I were sick, the last place I'd want to be is in a hospital.
When I was a kid, my mother took care of me when I was sick, and now that I'm married, my wife does. Their health care philosophy is remarkably similar.
The first day I'm sick, they're skeptical. "Get up and move around," they tell me. "You'll feel better if you just get up."
The second day I'm sick, they start to show a little sympathy. "You must not feel well. Is there anything that sounds good?"
The third day they're taking my temperature and patting my head, stewing about whether to call the doctor.
The fourth day their pity has run its course. "My gosh," they say, "I wish I could just lay around and not do anything when I don't feel good."
I've never been sick more than four days, so I don't know what would happen on the fifth day. I probably don't want to know.

A Few Birthday Thoughts

Posted: Tue Feb 05, 2008

I turned 47 today. I spent much of the past year thinking I was already 47, had made my peace with that age, so don't feel any older. Joan made a two layer chocolate cake for me, and gave me a wool vest for a present. The vest is a little too big, but should fit just fine after I eat the cake. My wife is always thinking ahead.
We're anticipating bad weather tonight, so I'll spend most of the night awake worried about my basement flooding. It hasn't flooded for nine years, but all it takes is one time to set a man on edge for the rest of his life. Now that I'm officially middle-aged, I anticipate spending the rest of my life worrying about things that might happen to me.

Permit Me to Indulge Myself

Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008

I wrapped up my fifteenth book today, tentatively titled My Life on Broadway. It's a memoir about growing up on Broadway Street in Danville, Indiana. To say I "wrapped it up" is probably wishful thinking. I sent it to my editor, Liz, who will fill every blank space with red-ink suggestions on how it could be better. She's an excellent editor, and I'll take most of her advice, which will mean another two months of work.
I always hope the same thing when I finish a book--that it will sell millions of copies and I'll make a ton of money which I can give to people who need it more than I do. If I make a lot of money on this book, I'm going to permit myself one indulgence. For years, I've been hacking my face to pieces while shaving. If this book sells well, I'm going to buy an electric razor.

Thank you, Dr. King

Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008

Today was Martin Luther King's birthday, we had the day off, and went bowling. I've long admired the work and witness of Dr. King, and felt guilty the whole time I was bowling and consequently didn't do very well. I've just watched several of his speeches on YouTube. I'm grateful he used his gifts to such a positive end. I'm weary of creativity whose chief purpose is to make us buy something. To see such inspired language and action used for the noble pursuits of freedom and justice restores my confidence in humanity. His critics once wrote to tell him he should stick to religion, but there is no finer religion than the one that cares for the outsider.

All Good Things Come to an End

Posted: Sun Jan 13, 2008

After 68 years of living in the same farmhouse in southern Indiana, my mother-in-law, Ruby, has moved to an assisted-living apartment in our town. I've written several stories about Ruby over the years, and visiting her at the family farm each month was a highlight. It's made me think a lot about aging and how I want my final years to be. What occurs to me is that the elderly have such little say in their circumstances. In Ruby's case, her impairments compromised her ability to make sound decisions about her care. But she is safe now, and surrounded every day by people who love her, eating good meals, and making new friends. There are, I suppose, worse ways to wrap up one's life. I just wished we could have moved her home to our side yard, or our home to hers.

A Love Affair: My Insurance Company and Me

Posted: Tue Jan 08, 2008

I am now in my thirteenth day of bronchitis. Yesterday, I coughed up my right lung. I kid you not. I was chewing Bazooka bubble gum, began to cough, and a pink bubble came out my mouth. At first I thought it was gum, but it turned out to be my lung. I'm on my second round of antibiotics. I have rotten insurance. The insurance company paid for the little plastic bottle the medicine came in, but I had to pay for the medicine. Plus, there have been only two days of sunshine in the past 28 days. My doctor prescribed an anti-depressant, so I went to the pharmacist, who told me my insurance company wouldn't pay for it. They did however, offer to pray for me, prayer being considerably cheaper than medicine. I pay nearly $6,000.00 a year for my insurance. The people at my church will pray for me for free. What's wrong with this picture?

A Holiday Report

Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2007

It's been awhile since I've added to my blog, on account of Christmas and not wanting to do any more work than I had to do. Christmas went swimmingly at the Gulley home this year. I received three new pairs of skivvies (Why is underwear referred to as a pair?), four screwdrivers (the tool, not the drink), a shirt, and a flashlight. The flashlight was my wife's idea. I wake up in the middle of the night to use the bathroom and turn on the bedside light to see, which wakes her up. The flashlight was more for her than for me.
The people at church gave me gift certificates to one of the area's finer restaurants and a few people dropped hints that they might be available to join me for dinner. They're a sneaky bunch.
I've gained three pounds this year and my New Year's resolution is to lose it. I'm also going to clean my office and answer all my mail within a week of getting it. I found a letter buried on my desk last month from May of 1999. I wrote the lady back and the post office returned my letter because she'd died. This year, I resolve to respond to all my mail before the writer dies.

Principal For a Day

Posted: Mon Dec 17, 2007

When I was a kid I wanted to be the principal so I could cancel school when it snowed. Now that I pastor a church, I get to decide whether we have church if it snows a lot on Saturday night. I can't make that decision all by myself, but after 23 years of being a pastor, I know how to work the system pretty good. I phone the elders and tell them how I'd hate for someone to get stuck in a snow drift and die on their way to church.
When I was more conservative, I always felt bad about canceling church. A little voice in my head, which sounded suspiciously like my childhood priest, would say, "Jesus died for you, and you can't drive through a little snow for Him." Now that I'm a liberal the little voice says, "God wants you to cancel church and go sledding with your sons." That's the voice that won, and that's what we did. It was a fine day.

Bah, Humbug!

Posted: Tue Dec 11, 2007

We are roughly midway through December and the sun has only made an appearance twice the entire month. As I write this, it is sunny and 79ﾰ in Key West, Florida. If you're reading this and you live in Key West, it's all I can do not to despise you.
The Bible says the rain falls on the just and the unjust. It's been falling on the checkered citizens of Danville for seven straight days. Last evening my wife found mildew behind my ears. Our dog refuses to go outside to use the bathroom and has gained eight pounds in the past week.
My son's Christmas musical is tonight and I'll go sit and listen to cheerful songs written to buoy my spirits. It won't work.

This Is The Thanks I Get?

Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007

Our bird feeder fell apart last week, so my wife asked me to build a new one. My wife is a soft touch when it comes to animals and feeds every creature which alights in our yard, invited or not. As construction projects go, my new bird feeder was a wild success. I didn't bang my thumb with the hammer, lop a finger off with my table saw, or get sawdust in my eyes. I sat in my living room today and watched a woodpecker at the feeder. He ate for five minutes, then flew up and began pecking holes in my cedar siding. This is typical of my life. I try to do someone a favor, and they repay me by ruining something I own.

How To Save Time

Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007

I've spent the last two weeks growing a beard. I started it while on a trip, staying in a house whose hot water heater was on the fritz. So I didn't shave and it saved me so much time, I decided to stop shaving altogether.
I'd spent four minutes a day shaving and had done it every day for thirty years. That's 10,950 shavings at 4 minutes a day, which adds up to 43,800 minutes or 730 hours or 30 days. I've spent one month of my life shaving. If I live another 46 years, a not unreasonable prospect, I will have spent two months of my life shaving. Unless I never shave again, then I will have only wasted a month of my life shaving.
Many people associate beards with wisdom. But if I'm so smart, why did it take me 30 years to stop shaving?

Thanksgiving

Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007

I spent last weekend in North Carolina, doing some storytelling at Guilford College and Deep River Friends Meeting, then preaching at the Winston-Salem Friends Meeting on Sunday morning. It's pretty this time of year in North Carolina, but I was still homesick and glad to get home.
My family is coming in tomorrow for Thanksgiving. I spent today cleaning the garage and setting up tables and chairs. We'll have 30 people join us for dinner and there isn't enough room inside, so we eat in the garage. It's nicer than it sounds. Joan is baking pies tonight. Pumpkin, pecan, and apple.
I will eat more than I should and go to bed miserable. I can't wait.

Don't Tell My Editor

Posted: Mon Nov 12, 2007

It rained in Danville today. We've suffered through a bad drought this summer and you think people would be happy it rained, but everyone was complaining about it when I went into town to the library tonight. I was ready for the weather to be bad. I have a lot of onerous, outdoor chores that need doing before cold weather sets in, so I was able to put them off for a day. In fact, it's supposed to rain the next three days, so I won't have to do them anytime soon. Since I couldn't work outside, I spent the day indoors playing Sudoku.
My editor wants me to have my next book to her by the first of January, but I don't think it's going to be ready. I'm not sure what excuse I'll use. Probably I'll tell her I was too busy doing outdoor work to write. She lives 2200 miles away in Portland, Oregon and doesn't know I've been goofing off doing other things. Unless she reads this, then I'm sunk.

What a Waste of Time That Was

Posted: Tue Nov 06, 2007

I spent this past Sunday afternoon watching the Indianapolis Colts play the New England Patriots. It was a beautiful fall day and I could have gone hiking in the woods. Instead, I spent the afternoon watching stupid Coor's beer commercials of inebriated young men firing questions at belligerent NFL coaches. God, I hate those commercials. My son, Sam, said, "The beer commercials are the best!" I hate alcohol, and it's always troubled me that, with the exception of the Coors' commercials, the distilleries often have the most creative ads. I wish we Quakers were half as imaginative with our ads. Come to think of it, Quakers don't have ads. Hmm, no wonder we're dying off.
I'd been looking forward to the game all week, and thought I would be disappointed if the Colts lost, but I forgot all about it five seconds after the game was over. Actually, I forgot all about it while the game was still on. It's hard to feel sorry for a group of guys who'll make a million dollars even if they lose. The ancient Incas used to behead the losers. Now that would certainly add some drama to the game.

How You'll Know I've Been Fired

Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2007

I spent Tuesday in Hopkinsville, Kentucky at Grace Episcopal Church, telling a story at the kick-off event for their capital campaign. The more I'm around Episcopalians, the more I like them. Too many Christians seem too concerned with what others think of them, but Episcopalians are who they are. They served wine at their church dinner, something we Quakers would never do. We Quakers drink wine, of course, but never in front of one another. I generally like being a Quaker, but if they ever boot me out, I'll probably become a Episcopalian. If you ever see me in public drinking a glass of wine, you'll know I made the leap.

I Need Your Help!

Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2007

I need your help. I'm working on a book about my growing up in Danville, Indiana on Broadway Street. The book's tone is fun and nostalgic. The book is called My Life on Broadway. I wanted the subtitle to be Memories of a Misspent Youth. But that one didn't fly. I have to come up with a subtitle in a few short weeks. If you send me a suggestion for a subtitle and I use it, I'll send you an autographed copy of the book when it comes out. Subtitle suggestions can be sent to info@philipgulleybooks.com. Remember, short and witty subtitles work best. Thanks for your help.

If I Had a Title

Posted: Fri Oct 26, 2007

I'm giving a lecture tomorrow at a conference on spirituality at Indiana State University. I haven't attended yet, but I'm already feeling outclassed. All the other speakers have doctorates. Quakers don't use titles, so they can't refer to me as "The Reverend Philip Gulley" in the program. I'm feeling a little inadequate, title-wise. Not long ago, a college hinted around that if I made a big donation to their fund drive, they'd give me an honorary doctorate. I know a man who was awarded an honorary doctorate. He asked all his friends to call him Dr. Blank. Blank isn't his last name. He's still alive so I won't mention his last name. But I liked him a lot more before he got his honorary doctorate.

It Was a Perfect Day, So Why Am I Worried?

Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007

I went on a picnic with my family today at Spring Mill State Park in Mitchell, Indiana. When my wife was packing our lunch she asked what kind of sandwich I wanted--ham or turkey. I picked peanut butter and jelly, the quintessential picnic fare. After the picnic we went on a 2 1/2 mile hike in terrain the map classified as "rugged." The mapmaker turned out to be an alarmist. It was an easy walk over rolling terrain through one of Indiana's last remaining stands of virgin woods. After we got home, we ate breakfast food for supper, listened to The Prairie Home Companion on the radio, then visited with my sister, who stopped by to see us. It was a fine fall day in Indiana. Because no good day ever goes uncontested, I'll probably fall and break my leg tomorrow.

Autumn Dangers

Posted: Tue Oct 16, 2007

The leaves are changing color in central Indiana and the time is nearing for me to put up the porch furniture for the winter. It takes the better part of an afternoon to hose off five chairs, a rocker, and a porch swing, towel them dry, haul them down to the cellar, set up the firewood rack outside the back door, and fill it with firewood. My wife is always looking for ways to tone her body and I've suggested that this is as good an exercise as any, but she hasn't gotten the hint yet.
Every autumn, I mash my thumb in the cellar doorway while carrying down the furniture, my thumbnail turns purple, and it takes the entire winter to heal. By then it's spring and time to bring the furniture back upstairs, and I squash my thumb again. People are always talking about how they like the changing of the seasons, but it has been nothing but trouble as far as I'm concerned.

What Did Iran Do to Deserve This?

Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007

I read an article the other day on a website called The Christian Post. It seemed more committed to the party line than the reporting of impartial news. One of its articles was titled "Theologian Claims Bible Does Not Condemn Gays." As soon as they used the word "claim" I knew what they thought of that theologian's claims. Another article said Iranians were flocking to watch American religious broadcasting. There has been a lot of talk about America going to war with Iran. Naturally, that would cause grievous harm to the Iranian people, but probably not as much as watching Pat Robertson and John Hagee every day.

The Best Religion and Why I Might Not Qualify for Membership

Posted: Mon Oct 08, 2007

It's a Monday night and I'm getting ready to head out of town to speak to Methodists in Columbus, Ohio. I'll be gone three days and two nights, which is longer than I like to be away from home. The best and worst part of any trip is the anticipation of it. I love planning vacations more than I like taking them. Conversely, I dread planning for a speech, but once I get there I enjoy myself. If I looked forward to speeches the way I looked forward to vacations, then had as much as fun on vacations as I do at speeches, my life would be perfect.
While in Columbus, I'm going to talk about coercive religion vs. contemplative religion. I think about religion a great deal, being a pastor. Right now, I think religion is a lot like vacation, the anticipation of it is better than the actual experience of it. The best religion is kindness. If the Methodists in Ohio turn out to be nicer than the Quakers in Indiana, I might move there. Though when they found out what a grouch I can be, they'll probably ask me to move back to Indiana.

Our Exciting Weekend

Posted: Mon Oct 01, 2007

We spent the weekend on my mother-in-law's farm in southern Indiana. We cleaned her refrigerator, freezer, and cupboards, then hauled eight bags of bad food away. My mother-in-law is a child of the Depression and hides food against the day hard times return. She then forgets where she put them and years later we stumble upon them, their freshness dates long since passed. You would think there were more exciting ways to spend a weekend, but looking for expired food can be exciting since you never know what you'll encounter.

A New Bike

Posted: Thu Sep 20, 2007

Yesterday, I gave a speech in downtown Indianapolis and stopped on the way home to buy a bicycle with the money I'd been paid. I haven't bought a new bicycle in years. My son Sam took over my old one, which left me bikeless. I rode my new bicycle into town today to see my parents and visit the library. I didn't use a drop of gasoline and am feeling especially virtuous. Ordinarily, it's not a good thing to feel smug, but it's a pleasant feeling if only exercised occasionally, and right now I'm feeling pretty proud of myself. I have another speech to give tomorrow twenty miles from our home. I'll drive to that one, and will go back to feeling guilty.

Quilt Time

Posted: Sat Sep 15, 2007

We broke out the quilts last night. Fall is still a week away, but when I come home yesterday and found my wife standing over the quilt chest pulling out extra blankets, I knew fall was here. I am of a mixed mind when it comes to autumn. I love fall, but don't care for what it portends--winter. I enjoy some aspects of winter--the fire in the woodstove, homemade chili on Sunday nights, and sleeping under quilts. But I dislike the slush and gray. I'm thinking of taking my quilts and moving to Arizona the day after Thanksgiving, then coming home in time for Easter.

Winning a Lemmy

Posted: Tue Sep 11, 2007

Last year, I began doing commentaries for a PBS program called Across Indiana. (You can view them on this website on the home page.) I learned this past weekend I had won an Emmy. When they called to tell me, I thought they said I'd won a Lemmy. The only Lemmy I've ever known was Lemmy Chalfant, the plumber in our town when I was a kid. I thanked them for calling me, then went to bed wondering why they had named an award after Lemmy Chalfant and what I had done to win it.

My Weekend with Southern Baptists

Posted: Tue Sep 04, 2007

I've just returned from leading a retreat for Southern Baptists in Florida. Being theologically liberal, I thought I'd spend the weekend getting in trouble, but they turned out to be like-minded. I've often wondered how far one would have to travel to find a liberal Southern Baptist and now I know--781 miles. A traveling tip: If you're ever in Birmingham, Alabama, stop by the Church of the Covenant at 2117 University Boulevard and see what church should be about.

Quaker Contemplation

Posted: Tue Aug 28, 2007

I recently agreed to give a speech at a university on the topic of "Quaker contemplation." Other persons will speak about the contemplative traditions in their own faiths. I'm looking forward to giving the talk, even though I'm not really good at contemplating, on account of having attention deficit disorder. Here's how my typical efforts to contemplate work: I breathe deeply, pushing all distractions from my mind. I mediate on God's loving presence. I hear my wife come in the back door and get frustrated when the doorknob I've been meaning to fix comes off in her hand, so I go out to the garage, get my tools, and work on the door. While I have my tools out, I fix the toilet that's been running, then think about plumbing in general, which makes me think of hardware stores and my friend Charley, so I go see him. All my efforts to contemplate always end up with me in a hardware store.

My Deluded Brother

Posted: Thu Aug 23, 2007

With the boys back in school, I'm working on my next book--a memoir of my growing-up years on Broadway Street called "My Life on Broadway." I'm having a hard time remembering the exact details of that era, so I'm having to make some things up. It might have to be sold as fiction by the time I'm done. My brother David has offered to read it and make corrections, but his memory is worse than mine. He often mentions that I was a pest when we were young, but I have no recollection of that, which means that in addition to his poor memory, he is also delusional.

Looking for Our Son

Posted: Mon Aug 20, 2007

Something has happened to our son. He's gone missing and we can't find him. We're not sure where he is, but we want him back. We first grew suspicious yesterday morning when a kid who looked a lot like him, woke up, made his bed without being told, and put away his breakfast dishes. Then he took a shower and washed and combed his hair. He spent the day working at his girlfriend's house, helping her clean their family's horse barn. When we picked up this child claiming to be our son, he was pleasant, talkative, and polite. He was even nice to his little brother. We don't know who this kid is impersonating our son, but he can stick around until our son returns home and needs his room back.

Give That Gar A Cigar!

Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007

With no rain, the creek near our home has been reduced to pockets of water. My boys were walking in the stream bed this past weekend and discovered a four-foot gar--a prehistoric looking fish. The fish is confined to a small pool of water, about chest deep. They've spent the last two days figuring out how to catch the gar and transport it to the pond across the road from our home. Word has gotten out that my boys are involved in a fish project. Wherever they go, people ask them about their progress. It is good to have a purpose in life, and these past few days have been pleasant ones for my sons. Since they're now spending all their time with the fish, I've been able to take long, uninterrupted naps for the first time in 15 years. I don't even know the gar's name, but I feel deeply indebted to it.

Tell Me Something I Don't Know

Posted: Sun Aug 12, 2007

This morning's newspaper reports that we are suffering through a moderate drought. If the newspaper tells us something we already know, is it really news? In the same paper, it reported that someone in the Bush Administration had told a lie. What would be news is if someone in Bush Administration hadn't told a lie. I'd like to see that headline--Honest Politician Found in Washington!
I pay over a hundred dollars a year for the newspaper to tell me what I already know. I would cancel my subscription, but then I wouldn't have anything to read while I took my bath.

Roughing It With Dial-Up

Posted: Tue Aug 07, 2007

We went camping last week with our neighbors. I'm using the word "camping" loosely. Our camper has air-conditioning, running water, a refrigerator, stove, microwave oven, and a king-sized bed. My days of sleeping on the ground and cooking over a fire are long past. But I roughed it in other ways. I had to drive ten miles to the closest library to download my e-mail. It was a small town, their library only had dial-up service, so it took a long time. I don't know how the pioneers survived with only dial-up Internet service.

A Fair Time

Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007

It's 4-H Fair week and my family and I have been visiting the fair each evening to see the livestock, ride the carnival rides, and sample a variety of fried foods, in that order. Last year, I sampled the fried foods before I went on the rides and was asked to leave after a rather embarrassing incident involving projectile vomiting.
A lot of my church members are active in 4-H, so we visit with them. It's the only time they see me in shorts. Tonight, one of the them looked at me and said, "Are those your legs or are you riding a chicken?" Everyone thought that was a riot. I'm glad people can have fun at my expense.

Visiting the Presidents

Posted: Fri Jul 20, 2007

We've just returned from a trip to Galena, Illinois--a town we first heard about in Smithsonian magazine. Ulysses S. Grant was working as a clerk in Galena in his father-in-law's store when the Civil War began. Since being shot at was preferable to working for his father-in-law, he enlisted in the war.
While in Galena, we visited Grant's house. On our way to Galena, we stopped by Ronald Reagan's childhood home in Dixon, Illinois. I tried, while touring the homes, to get the curators to reveal something scandalous about the Presidents, but they wouldn't.
I think I've just figured out American politics. When a President is alive, we can say anything about them we want. But once they're dead, we have to say nice things about them. I hope George W. Bush doesn't die anytime soon.

Another Success Story

Posted: Fri Jul 13, 2007

My wife was gone four days this week and all the cooking fell to me. We ate out every meal. There are only a few restaurants in our town and I knew if I were seen at them more than once a day, word would get back to my wife. We ended up driving to the next town over for supper. By the third day, the house was a wreck, so I paid a lady seventy bucks to clean it before my wife got home. My wife just walked in the door and is amazed at how clean the house is and how well-fed we appear. It's obvious she has no trust in my ability to take care of things in her absence.

Nerds for Parents

Posted: Sun Jul 08, 2007

It was hot today--93 degrees. My wife and I drove to Quaker meeting in her orange Volkswagen convertible, top down. Simple Quakers dressed in gray riding in a bright orange car. We looked like a traffic cone going down the road. I bought the car for my wife three years ago on the occasion of our 20th anniversary. It gets good gas mileage so we drive it a lot, even though it looks like a clown car and people laugh at us. I can take a lot of ridicule, especially when I'm getting 35 miles per gallon. Our sons, more mindful of their reputation, refuse to be seen in it. They sit on the floor in the back, a blanket draped over them, cursing God for giving them nerds for parents.

I'm Contemplating Murder

Posted: Tue Jul 03, 2007

Words can not describe my intense dislike for the Fourth of July. It is Fourth of July Eve, well past eleven o'clock, and though I live on the edge of town, well away from a large population, it sounds like Baghdad outside my door. If I were ever going to shoot someone, this would be the time to do it. The gunshot would blend in with the blasts and bangs of firecrackers, the police wouldn't know about it for days, and by then I'd be in Mexico. If I knew the name of the man who invited firecrackers, I think he'd be the one I shot. I'm a Quaker pacifist and don't believe in violence, but I could convert to the Southern Baptist faith for as long as it would take me to kill the guy.

My Day Off!

Posted: Fri Jun 29, 2007

I took the day off today. When you're a minister, if you want a day off, you have to leave town. So I got on my motorcycle and went for a long ride. I got a hundred miles from home and it began raining. Then I accidentally swallowed a big bug and nearly gagged to death on it. My back hurts from sitting hunched over all day, and I have a headache from all the noise. I'm going back to work tomorrow. I can't wait.

A Good Cigar

Posted: Mon Jun 25, 2007

A new candy store opened in our town last week. I walked up there today to see if they had my favorite candy--caramels with white centers. They didn't, but they did have bubble gum cigars, which I enjoyed as a child. I bought several and passed them out to my friends. I saved one for after supper, to enjoy on the porch. There's nothing like ending the day with a good bubble gum cigar.

A Fish Story

Posted: Fri Jun 22, 2007

My younger son Sam woke up this morning and said he was going to catch a bass and hang it on his bedroom wall. Fishing pole in hand, he walked to the pond down the road from us and came back an hour later, toting the largest bass I've ever seen. We put the fish in a cooler, loaded it in our car, drove 60 miles to a taxidermist, who wasn't home, came back home and put the fish in our freezer. We're thinking of having it for supper tomorrow night.

Planning for Vacation

Posted: Tue Jun 19, 2007

I took my motorcycle to the shop today. I'm planning on taking a cross-country motorcycle trip at the end of summer and I wanted the bike to be ready. I discovered long ago that looking forward to a vacation is more fun than actually taking the vacation, and cheaper too, so this year I'm planning several vacations I have no intention of taking--my motorcycle ride, an RV trip with my family, maybe even a Caribbean cruise. When I plan my vacations, I always dream of taking lots of people with me. If you want, you can not take a vacation with us.

Useless Neighbors

Posted: Sat Jun 16, 2007

It's hotter than Hades, the grass on our lawn feels like potato chips underfoot, our air conditioner is on the fritz, and the man can't come to fix it for another two days. I wish I had a handy neighbor who knew something about air conditioners. One neighbor is a lawyer. He barely knows enough to drive. My other neighbor is a high school teacher. He's practically worthless when it comes to home repairs. He's my brother, and I love him, but I wish he'd left a little room in his head for something useful. We're thinking of moving in with my parents, but they say I annoy them, that I'm too critical of other people. Can you believe that?

When Good News Is Bad News

Posted: Wed Jun 13, 2007

We've just returned from a visit to my mother-in-law's farm in southern Indiana. She's 89 and doesn't get out much, so we took her for dinner at a restaurant, unaware a Southern Gospel group would be singing that night. These people might have loved the Lord, but their singing was positively dreadful. I'd hate to be God and have to appear grateful when untalented people sang bad songs about me. In between the songs, a ventriloquist sat on a stool with his duck dummy. The duck talked to the man about Jesus. I can't help but think that when some people feel led to share the Gospel, God would have preferred they stayed home and watched TV.

My Problem with Inflation

Posted: Fri Jun 08, 2007

I spent this afternoon working on my tractor, fixing a flat tire. It took two hours to remove the tire, another hour to find the patch kit, then I discovered the tire didn't have a hole in it, it was just low on air. Some people would consider that a waste of three hours, but I think it was time well spent. My wife has been after me to spread mulch, which I hate doing, and having to fix the tire got me out of mulch work. I didn't tell my wife the tire was only low on air. For the past 23 years, I've put off spreading mulch, and now I've stumbled upon the perfect solution, unless my wife reads this, then I'm in trouble.

Please Excuse Me While I Brag

Posted: Wed Jun 06, 2007

My publisher called yesterday to tell me Booklist had given my latest book, Porch Talk, a good review. I should probably be more modest, but I'm proud to be associated with the persons mentioned below. So I'll brag for a day, then return to my usual modest self. Here's the review:

Gulley's little pieces aren't stories. They're old-fashioned personal essays, conversational, calmly opinionated, and comfortable. Since Gulley's a Christian pastor, trying to live good rather than just well informs every piece. Since Gulley's a Quaker pastor, and since Quakers believe every person capable of and obliged to practice ministry, he never preaches or cites scripture (that would be too presumptuous), which makes him nonthreatening to the Christ-averse and especially safe for those who like Garrison Keillor, Annie Dillard, Wendell Berry, and Kathleen Norris, even if they are "that way." He shares such writers' concern for family, neighbors, people one sees and interacts with often, old houses, country stores, venerable ways of doing things; like them, he doesn't have a neocon bone in his body. He writes as cleanly as they, and perhaps with greater range, encompassing the tooth fairy, cheap shoes, middle-age spread, chairs, and simplicity. He is a terrific buffoon when he wants to be, and his piece about sitting in a Quaker meeting may be the best this side of John Greenleaf Whittier.

Graduation Parties

Posted: Sun Jun 03, 2007

We spent the weekend attending eight receptions for high-school graduates. I'm not sure when this trend of feting graduating seniors started, but it wasn't on the radar when I graduated in 1979. My mother baked a cake, the Comers from next door came over, and the whole affair was over in half an hour. Everyone chipped in and bought me a suitcase, a not-so-subtle suggestion that it was time I moved.

A Sign of God's Favor, No Doubt

Posted: Tue May 29, 2007

When our house was struck by lightning this spring, I had to endure some catty remarks from people who suggested it was a sign from God. When people don't care for your theology, they always expect God to voice His/Her displeasure too, usually in the form of a lightning strike or fatal illness. But I'm pleased to report that the lightning destroyed only those things in my home which needed replacing anyway--our roof, furnace, and garage door openers. I'm grateful God likes my theology enough to bless me with a lightning strike. My truck is almost ten years old and showing significant wear and tear. I hope God hits it with lightning in the next year or so.

A Day In My Life

Posted: Sat May 26, 2007

Lest you have the idea a writer's life is exotic, let me describe my typical Saturday. I met five guys from my Quaker meeting for breakfast. We talked about our plans for the day and talked about funny people we'd worked with over the years. Then I went with my 14 year-old son to the Roachdale Hardware to see my friend Charley. (I wrote a story about Charley in my most recent book, Porch Talk.) I let my son drive home on the back roads. I finished my sermon, it being my Sunday to speak at meeting for worship, then I finished reading a book and took a nap. When I woke up, I mowed the yard, then took my sons target shooting at the Conversation Club. We stopped on the way home, picked up our pop-up camper, brought it home, cleaned it, then ate supper. I ended the day with a two mile walk with my wife, and a visit with the Newman's up the street. It was a good Saturday, but if something more exciting doesn't happen to me soon, I'll lose my mind.

Why Can't I Hire Someone to Change Me?

Posted: Fri May 25, 2007

Our house was hit by lightning two months ago. We took advantage of the general upheaval and hired a man to repaint it. We now have what appears to be a new house at a fraction of the cost. Our neighbors, out on their evenings walks, have commented on how much they like the change. There are other aspects of my life I wish could change--I'm losing my hair, growing a little too thick in the middle, and still generally incompetent in matters of home repair. I wish changing those things about myself was as easy as changing my house color. Why is it easier to pay someone to change something for us, than it is to change it ourselves? I wish I could pay someone who'd make me eat less without any sacrifice on my part.

A Wedding Thought

Posted: Mon May 21, 2007

My family and I were in Charlotte, North Carolina this past weekend for my brother's wedding. I performed the marriage ceremony, which was a great joy. My brother, who is usually very organized, forgot the wedding ring and we had to pause the ceremony while it was retrieved from his car. I read the other day that the average wedding in America now costs $29,000. Seems to me we spend way too much time and attention on weddings and not enough time and attention on our marriages. My brother's wedding was modest, a bit disorganized, but a genuine joy, a fine start to what I'm betting will be a fine marriage.

Welcome to my porch!

Posted: Wed May 16, 2007

Greetings, friend. Summer is here, porch season has commenced, and my latest book, Porch Talk, is making its way into the bookstores. I hope you read and enjoy it. Like most porch talk, I cover a wide range of topics, from the plague of television preachers to my checkered career as a professional thinker to the unsung benefits of taxation. Please stop by a couple times a week. I'll be sharing my thoughts and comments on a variety of topics, some light-hearted, some serious. The porch is always open!